Last week Millenial Readers, we looked at social intimacy, its benefits, and how to cultivate it. We also mentioned that there are some people who have a fear of intimacy. Do you find yourself in this category? Do you fear letting people into your personal space? Do you get anxious whenever you “have to” get intimate with others? If this is you, then this article is for you dear reader. Even if this isn’t you, this article is for your brother, sister, parent, relative, friend, colleague, and all the other millennials and gen Z out there. Feel free to share this post after you read it.

Intimacy is a deep and personal area of our lives and it is truly understandable when one doesn’t want to share that with others. Who wants to air our dirty (or clean) laundry anyway? 

Fear of intimacy often begins from a young age. As a kid, you face some pain or rejection, and then you shut down. We learn to use this as a coping mechanism – not relying on others, being by ourselves so as to avoid being hurt by people. If as a child you felt unseen, unloved, or unappreciated, you grow up finding it hard to believe that someone could actually understand you, see you, and love you. Therefore, when we find someone who loves us like this, it becomes a conflict within ourselves. These negative attitudes might be sad or unpleasant, but they are what are most familiar to us and therefore we choose to stick with them and try to shut down or run away from this genuine care and concern that is being given to us. It is important to note that you can be vulnerable with someone but still have a fear of intimacy. With fear of intimacy, there are levels/limits to how vulnerable you are with someone. 

People with a fear of intimacy don’t just outright reject love, instead, they try to come up with ways to make themselves less lovable or less desirable so that they do not get the love they are getting. They can sometimes act in a manner that will cause stress to the relationship so as to get the other party to end the relationship soon before it starts getting deeper. 

If you are like me, someone who fiercely guards their personal space, you understand how difficult it might be to be intimate with others and let them into our space. However, it doesn’t have to be so. I will share some tips that will help you (and me), learn how to address our fear of intimacy and how to carefully let people in. I have been practising some of these tips and I love the change I’m seeing. I hope you also get to experience a change that you love. 

  1. Recognize the root cause of this fear – since most cases of this fear stem from childhood, it is important to look back and assess one’s upbringing and what might have caused it. Finding these issues and confronting them is a great step toward overcoming this fear. 
  2. Seek help – If this fear of intimacy is deeply rooted in one’s past, then seeking professional help is highly recommended. Your therapist will help you find these root causes and give you ways you can move past them and overcome your fear of intimacy. 
  3. Practise self-compassion – as we have seen, one feels unlovable because there are certain parts of themselves that they haven’t fully embraced and sometimes feel undeserving of love because of this. In order to eventually overcome the fear of intimacy, one needs to practice self-love and self-compassion. Be comfortable with yourself, and learn how to love and value yourself. When you are able to do this, you will also find yourself ‘worthy’ of love from others and will not try to sabotage any attempts at love towards you. 
  4. Be kind to yourself – Overcoming anything takes time and practice. You may feel like you are not making any tangible steps, but trust me, as long as you are trying, then you are doing amazing! Do not look at this fear as something negative, but instead, as something that is from your past, and something you can eventually overcome. Every step, no matter how small, matters; as long as you are making progress. So be kind to yourself, always.

Final Thoughts

For those of us whose partners or loved ones are dealing with the fear of intimacy, let us try to be patient with them even as they work through it. Understand that since it is something that might have been deeply rooted from childhood, it might take more time. Be patient with them, be there for them, and offer them support whenever you can. Do not pressure them to ‘get over it’ fast, it is a journey that is different for everyone and each person charts their unique path and takes their unique amount of time. Offer them support and be kind to them. If they try to push you away, do not be angry at them. Realize that they are not trying to reject you but are trying to avoid the situation where you will reject them. Remind them regularly that you love them and create a safe environment for them to work on overcoming the fear of intimacy. Be there for them when they are ready to share, and when they are not, understand them and let them know that when they will be ready, you will be there to listen to them and support them

Sharonah ❤❤❤